Happy Monday!
Your personality is not set in stone. […] You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper.
If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes it’s the only way.
Set fire to your old self. It’s not needed here. It’s too busy shopping, gossiping about others, watching days go by, and asking why you haven’t gotten as far as you’d like. This old self will die and be forgotten by all but family, and replaced by someone who makes a difference.
Your new self is not like that. Your new self is the Great Chicago Fire — overwhelming, overpowering, and destroying everything that isn’t necessary.
Julien Smith, “The Flinch”
I came across this quote the other day on the Tumblr and I am sharing it with all of you today because this is exactamundo what I went through to discover my current renewed self. I mean, I wasn’t too busy shopping or gossiping about others, but I was sure watching the days go by and asking myself why the shit am I not where I want to be and how the heck can I get there? Actually, I had no clue where I wanted to be. I just knew that I wasn’t happy with myself at the time – with where I was or with how I was – and I needed to figure all of that out, so, I started at square one… Why am I me? I questioned abso-tu-ta-lutely everything. I wrote list after list… Why am I not happy? What influences me to be unhappy? What influences me internally to be unhappy? What influences me externally to be unhappy? How did I get here? Why did I get here? What influenced me to get here? What experiences throughout my childhood have molded me, for good or worse, to be who I am? Am I ready to take responsibility for myself? Am I ready to admit all of my faults and claim them as my own? What is the cause to all of my symptoms? How are my symptoms related?
I think what helped the most in my trials was the immense desire of just wanting to be happy, and wanting to be happy more than unhappy (because people can get stuck in negative land and develop a comfort in unhappiness. It’s easier to be unhappy because sometimes happiness requires change and change isn’t always easy, especially when you have to take responsibility for yourself). I vividly recall days that I would just repeat to myself, “I just want to be happy, I just want to be happy, I just fucking want to be happy,” but I didn’t know what made me happy or how that was even possible from where I stood at what seemed to be the bottom rung of a 100-story ladder. What I did know, however, was what made me unhappy and I realized that if I wanted to make any forward progress at all with myself, I needed to address that first and why that reality existed. My unhappiness weighed so much more on me than anything else and so in order to get that weight off my shoulders I had to suck it up, face my fears, face my demons, face my denials, face my conditionings, face my family, face my friends, face my career, face my passions, and face all of my responsibilities to myself, including the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of my life that were completely out of balance. The thing is, I confronted myself with everything first and last. I experience the world before the world experiences me and I had to take responsibility for everything that I was internally and externally. It wasn’t easy. I went through weeks where I felt that every day was one step forward and two steps backwards. But, I kept on trucking because the desire to find my happiness was the greatest realization I have ever come across in my (then) 26 years of life. “Without darkness, one cannot know light” is what I had to experience in order to appreciate a bliss that I have always dreamt of but never could place its reality in my life. I had to lose myself and hit rock freaking bottom before I could place a value on the importance and incredible feeling of finding myself and making my way to the top with all of the responsibility on my back.
Addressing my all-encompassing self was one thing. I had successfully managed to put my entire life to-date into perspective and was able to truly figure out why I am me (of course with plenty-o head room for new discoveries). Then came the biggest step: I had to change into who I wanted to be. I had to experience myself from birth to the present moment, I had to discover and understand that I wouldn’t be able to move on without letting go of who I was at the time, and so I set fire to my old self, leaving my old life in the dust so a new life could rise from the ashes. I forced myself to die. And I always feared death, so that was a huuuuuge thing to put into perspective and overcome for myself. I had to actually face and experience one of my biggest fears in order to move on. I had to die to live. It’s incredible.
If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes it’s the only way.
I agree with the above statement in the context of myself and the path I needed to take. Not every needs to embark on such a drastic change, but I believe that it is useful to explore oneself, to explore the why’s and how’s to your current self, and to address any unhappiness that may exist. I support unhappiness because it is often a necessary starting point to bring about a change for the betterment of you.
I’m still me and, in the same breath, I’m not me at all. I am no one and someone at the same time. I am. I am not. I am and I am not. Neither I am nor I am not. It’s a really cool time in my life and I’m so grateful for all of the shit I stuck through to get me to my current self.
If you’re unhappy, don’t stop until you find it. That feeling, better yet the achievement of that feeling – knowing that YOU made this happen because of such a dedication to your happiness – is greater than words could ever speak.
jdperryhealth.com
jdperryhealth.tumblr.com
jdperryhealth@gmail.com
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