The struggle effect via John Kim

…neither having developed the love nor attainment of mastery in life, it is commonplace for people to struggle rather than to experience effortless flow. Without the natural flow, it is easy to struggle and suffer. When focused on struggling and suffering, it is easy to lose mindfulness. Without mindfulness, the way to developing insights to one’s own issues becomes limited. Without insights, it is easy to repeat one’s mistakes over and over again.

Tao of Healing: The integral way of healing
John Kim, MD

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Question: Nothing I do is ever good enough

I often feel like I’m not good at anything – nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone’s standards, including my own. How can I stop this negative thinking?

Perspective:

Well, this seems to mainly be a matter of your own approval. While others can influence or sway your judgement, you are making the decisions are the end of the day – not anyone else. I wouldn’t necessarily classify it as “negative thinking,” rather “influenced thinking.” Try not to think negatively of your decisions because it’ll only manifest into more negativity. By taking a positive perspective on your thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions it can help you define what is “real” and what can be changed for the better. Always learn from the negatives by shifting them into positives.

Here are a few questions that may open some doors…

  • Define: “good enough”
  • Why do others have an influence on your decisions?
  • Define which people have an influence on your decisions (usually this is a family member or a peer whom you look up to) and why you allow them to hold such an influence.
  • What’s more important: Making yourself happy or making others happy?
  • Are you more upset with others for influencing or with yourself for allowing an influence (the true reality)?
  • Do you lack confidence in your own decisions? If so, why?
  • Do you disapprove of yourself? If so, why?
  • Trace back in your past to when and why this started happening. This will help define the cause – the “influenced thinking” is a symptom.

Self-approval can only be achieved through valuing and confiding in self – not through neglecting self, not through pleasing others, and not through appeasing others.

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Can an Ancient Chinese text still hold water?

Tao Te Ching – Chapters 8-10

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places that people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner.
Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

Can you coax your mind from its wandering
and keep to the original oneness?
Can you let your body become
supple as a newborn child’s?
Can you cleanse your inner vision
until you see nothing but the light?
Can you love people and lead them
without imposing your will?
Can you deal with the most vital matters
by letting events take their course?
Can you step back from you own mind
and thus understand all things?

Giving birth and nourishing,
having without possessing,
acting with no expectations,
leading and not trying to control:
this is the supreme virtue.

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What if the world ended tomorrow?

This is my end-of-the-world-fantasy-for-example’s-sake so let’s get cracking…

What if the world ended tomorrow?

The end will be peaceful. No meteor collisions, no volcanic eruptions, no tsunamis, and no earthquakes. It will be a quiet end that every single person will be completely aware of its inevitability – here one minute and gone the next.

What would you do for the remaining 24 hours of your life? 

  • Would you love or hate?
  • Would you appreciate or neglect?
  • Would you forgive or forget?
  • Would you accept or deny?
  • Who would you spend your final time with?
  • Who would you reach out to and what would you say?
  • What would you say to others?
  • What would you say to yourself?

Why do we have to wait until the end to love, appreciate, forgive, accept, spend time with loved ones, reach out to others who’ve had an impact, and to have a heart-felt conversation with self?

Last week, I came across a post from an old friend and a darn good writer that inspired today’s perspective. Below are her words

On the last day of earth, people rose early. There was so much work to be done. Phone calls were made. Important sentiments were expressed. A new record was set for daily kisses.

No one went into the office. All businesses were closed. All eyes and ears and arms stayed open.

Some remained inside, cleaning their homes, returning everything back to its proper place.

Some poured themselves into the streets, shouting and laughing and roaring with life.

Some stayed quiet, pensive, breathing in the end of sweetness.

Some held strangers.

Some held animals.

Some held objects.

Some held the hands of their loved ones, all day, waiting.

People relaxed into their grief and made room for acceptance. The birds sang wildly of every beautiful thing. The dogs howled madly at invisible moons. The grass continued to grow. It was the opposite of disappearing.

“Now” whispered the wind.

The earth trembled in anticipation. The trees waved goodbye. The oceans overflowed with sad and happy tears.

The waves crashed, echoing the sound of the world’s first expression.The earth circled back towards nothingness, like all living things.

People watched from windows, trapped inside the blaze of their own bodies. There were so few ways to speak. There was so much that needed to be said. The hours dwindled. The sun moved across the sky.

In the last moments of the last hour of the last day of earth, everyone gathered together to stand separately in a crowd. Every phone was silent. All electronics were turned off.

People spoke, but didn’t really speak.

People laughed, but didn’t really laugh.

People cried, but didn’t really cry.

People prayed, but didn’t really pray.

People clung to one another. They held millions of years in their arms. They remembered the world in reverse – day before day, moon before moon, all the way back to the beginning.

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Is a scale a good measurement of health?

A scale measures weight, not health. What does body weight actually tell us? It is no more than a number that tends to do more mental damage than good. When body weight is measured it cannot be broken down into what is what - i.e. water, blood, organs, muscle, fat, bones, bacteria, food, and fecal matter. How can a scale provide true measurements of water content, cell count, muscle to fat ratio, bone density, intestinal bacteria ratio and weight, digested vs undigested food, and, essentially, metabolic rate (thyroid regulation)? It can’t!

Furthermore, body weight can fluctuate so easily due to meals (size, type, frequency, nutritional value), elimination patterns (going regularly or constipated), metabolic rate (how efficient a meal is used for energy and the body’s hormonal response), water intake (depletion or retention), exercise routines, movement frequency, life stressors, and sleep patterns.

So, a scale cannot measure what’s going on the inside and it cannot provide insight into one’s lifestyle pros or cons. Yet, there are plenty of people out there that live and die over their daily to weekly weight measurements thinking that it is a true progression of health. It’s understandable that body weight gives a sense of progress and allows for goals to be established, but come on – there’s gotta be a better, more telling way!

  • How about measuring how good we feel on the inside?
  • How about measuring how happy we are compared to how sad we may be? And why!
  • How about taking note of our food, hydration, and elimination patterns, and putting it all into perspective as to what helps or hinders?
  • How about observing our energy levels throughout the day regarding our activities, meals, and sleeping patterns?
  • How about recording lifestyle journal for a desired length of time to truly gain perspective of what works and doesn’t work for YOU?

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Video: Cause & Effect: How the media you consume can change your life

(via)

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Does your diet and lifestyle work for you?

Obviously there are plenty of diets out there claiming that they’re the one. There are endless research studies promoting that this food has vitamins, this food builds muscle, this food is an anti-oxidant, this food promotes inflammation, this food causes heart disease, this food is a superfood, or this food burns fat. We can go from one diet to the next or from one food to the next because of what is read in a biased health magazine or what’s advised from Doctor full-Oz-crap or what’s heard through treadmill gossip, but how do we really know what works? Going further, does the diet compliment the lifestyle and vice-versa? Is the lifestyle trying to make up for a lackluster diet? Is the real problem diet or is it a lifestyle that prevents a diet from working?

  1. Listen
  2. Write & Record
  3. Reflect
  4. Gain Perspective

Listening to our body is our best resource. The best method to listen is by writing down what we hear, see, feel, and observe. Writing down our thoughts make them more real...

Create a Lifestyle Journal
Ideally a 7-day journal but it can last up to a month if more perspective is needed

Food

  • Time of day
  • Hunger Level (1-5)
  • All ingredients and portions
  • How was it prepared – cooked, cold, room temp, microwave
  • Energy Levels (1-5) and Mood/Personality – 30 minutes before, during, and 30 minutes after

Liquids

  • Time of day
  • Thirst level (1-5)
  • All ingredients and portions
  • How was it prepared – heated, cold, room temp, microwave
  • Energy Levels (1-5) and Mood/Personality – 5 minutes before, during, and 30 minutes after

Exercise

  • Time of day
  • Type, duration, total of exercises, total of reps, amount of rest
  • Energy Levels (1-5) and Mood/Personality – 30 minutes before, during, 30 minutes after, and 2 hours after

Supplements or Medications

  • Time of day
  • Type
  • Purpose?
  • Energy Levels (1-5) and Mood/Personality – 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after

Sleep

  • Time of day – sleep and wake
  • Quality of sleep – slept through the night, toss and turn, fall asleep easily, wake up feeling rested/tired?
  • Dreams – good, bad, able to remember dreams
  • Energy Levels (1-5) and Mood/Personality – before and after

Bowel Movements

  • Time of day
  • How many times a day
  • Healthy or unhealthy?

Stress

  • Stress Level (1-5)
  • What is stressful, why, and how do you react?

Daily Activities

  • Time of day and duration
  • Type – Work, School, Driving, Cooking, Cleaning, Talking, Relaxing
  • Energy Levels (1-5) and Mood/Personality – General observation
  • How do you feel about the activity – Emotions when thinking about the activity, when involved in the activity, or when the activity is over

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The best advice ever given to me

You’ll figure it out, J.

I’ve heard this perspective plenty of times throughout the past 8 years of my life. While I was not always welcoming of this advice, I knew that these words were genuine and that they held a universal truth. You’ll figure it out was a reminder that no matter what I was going through at any given point in my life – trials, errors, hardships, pains, shames, blames, ups, downs, or confusions – that I will eventually figure it out.

The last time I heard these words from my friend was on August 2nd, 2011. I didn’t know that would truly be the last time I heard them from his mouth and with his genuine delivery because two months later my friend passed away in an accident. While I wish I still had him a phone call or a hang out away to ask for his advice through my ups and downs, I already know what he would tell me: You’ll figure it out, J.

No matter what happens – good or bad, right or wrong, healthy or sick, happy or sad, loved or unloved, accepted or un-accepted, understood or misunderstood, strong or weak, bulls-eye or complete miss – I’ll always figure it out. It may not happen in the most ideal time frame or in the most ideal experience or on the most ideal terms… but I’ll figure it out. I always have and I always will.

I have used this advice over the years to get me through the hardest of hard and the easiest of ease. Currently, this is where I’m at…

  • Love and accept myself and others
  • Forgive myself and others
  • Be happy with myself and others
  • Give myself and others the benefit – never the doubt
  • Have faith in myself and others
  • Have an open and honest heart with myself and others
  • Listen to my mind, heart, and body – they always know best
  • Have perspective when my Ego is calling the shots
  • Find a balance of Wants vs Needs
  • Do not judge, assume, or shame my battles or other’s battles
  • Do not place unrealistic expectations on myself or others
  • Do not provide myself with unnecessary boundaries or limitations
  • Surround myself with caring people who unconditionally support and understand me, and to not waste my efforts on those don’t
  • Take everything and everyone that I experience into perspective
  • Learn from everything – even if I don’t learn right away
  • Appreciate every single experience that I go through – good or bad
  • Be kind and easy on myself and others
  • I am always doing my best – that’s all I can ask of myself and others
  • Communication is the foundation of a good relationship with self and with others
  • Take responsibility for my actions and reactions
  • Never run away because it’ll only create more problems in the end
  • Fear is an illusion – I create all of my fears and fears create all of my dis-eases
  • Trust that what I give will be received in return
  • Try not to take myself so seriously
  • Have fun!
  • At the end of the day… I’ll figure it out

I share this story because I have faith that we all will figure it out. Some may figure it out quicker than others. Some may figure it out and have it fall through their hands only to figure it out again. Some may figure it out longer than others. Some may think they figured it out only to realize they have a lot more figuring out to do. Some may figure it out in different ways than others. Some may not think they need to figure it out only to experience quite the figure-it-out-wake-up-call. In the end, we all figure it out.

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Sunday wrap-up

Missed any posts this week?

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How to balance life’s priorities

Life can get crazy. It happens when we have to balance work, school, family, relationships, social events, exercise, diet, hydration, sleep, me time, and the list goes on. The best approach to prioritizing is to make your priorities… a priority.

  • Below you will find a wheel with 15 spokes and 5 circles
  • Each end of a spoke represents your priorities in life
  • Each wheel represents the attention that you provide each priority on a daily basis (some may be weekly or monthly)
  • Write a priority above each spoke
  • Rate the priority by the attention it receives with a dot at the intersection point of a specific spoke and affiliated circle
  • Inner Circle = Least attention, Outer Circle = Most attention
  • Draw a line to connect each dot – does it make a [somewhat] rounded circle?
  • A wheel cannot turn fluidly unless all of its spokes are well-taken care of, straight, and balanced
  • This will help put your current life into perspective
  • This will help you become aware of what needs more attention than others

The above diagram is a generalized example. Notice how all of the spokes are not balanced and the wheel cannot turn fluidly? Now you try…

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